Red Top News

He's English, but questions remain over whether he's human

With Roy Hodgson on the verge of announcing his England squad for Euro 2012, confusion reigned amongst football fans as they tried to remember the names of English players that they could talk about down the pub to their mates to make it seem like they knew what they were on about.

As the Premiership continues to fill with foreign players and English talent still fails to travel well to other top leagues, football fans are struggling to think of who will be named in the 23 man squad.

“I’m a proper football fan I am,” said well dressed Senior Accounts Advisor Paul Irving as he ate a bistro pie and drank a micro brew in corporate hospitality, “I can name most of Chelsea’s starting line up, can tell at least two Arsenal players apart without needing to read their shirts and can parrot the fact that despite being as old as my gran, Ryan Giggs is a very good player.”

“I mean, you’ve got the big players like Lampard, Gerrard, Rooney and that racist geezer, but beyond that, who knows? Are there even 23 English players in the Premiership anymore?” he added.

According to leading Footballologist and garden gnome enthusiast Mark Smith, this problem seems to be rampant.

“It’s all very well getting the beers in and watching the Manchester teams have a proper scrap twice a year, or flicking on Barcelona demolishing some cannon fodder on a Sunday after your roast and before Top Gear, but that doesn’t mean that you know much about football.”

“The problem is that as more top clubs, and even mid table clubs, look to cheap foreign players rather than expensive domestic ones, you have to look further and further down the table for quality English players.”

“Most people don’t even know what a ‘Wigan’ is, let alone who plays for them. You could walk down the streets of London and offer anyone who can pick John Ruddy out of a line up a hundred quid plus a night with their selection of Middletons, and they still wouldn’t be able to do it.”

Proper football fan Daniel Phillips, who drives a Ford Mondeo and everything, added “If they pick Andy Carroll just because the papers talked about him last week, I’m going to do a full Cantona.”

Our reporter escaped with only minor cuts and bruises.

The investigation into whether she has a soul is still ongoing

People were once again outraged yesterday after being another glimpse at how the real world works.

In the aftermath of Rebekah Brooks being charged for being a naughty little girl who thoroughly deserves a spanking, the British public were once again caught up in moral indignation over what transpired while the News of the World was in print.

“I know how those people who work in journalism work, I’ve seen it on the telly,” said overly eager student Kim Tindal.

“You get people who know about things to tell you those things, then you go and write about them, unless other people tell you other things, then you sit in a car on a trading estate late at night in a big hat and take photographs. Simple.”

“But the way that News of the World went on, hacking into peoples phones and then trying to hide, just makes me sick. Sometimes when I get in from my one lecture of the day, I everything thats going on makes it really hard to throw off my Primark sweater, drink my Starbucks, cook my Tesco Value Prawn Curry and settle down for an evening of catching up with those charming The Only Way Is Essex people.”

“In this day and age, I can’t believe people like Rebekah Brooks are still trying to exploit and mistreat people for commercial gain,” she added.

Red Top News tried to reach Miss Brooks for comment, however only found out that her dry cleaning was ready, her friend Martin’s dinner party had been moved to next Friday and her cat was ready to be picked up from the vet.

Nicolas Sarkozy attempts to congratulate Mahut on his loss

Nicolas Mahut is expected to be greeted with a heroes welcome when he returns to France after single handedly waging France’s most successful ever war.

During his epic 11 hour tennis match with American John Isner, which spanned 3 days and 11 combined hours of play, Mahut continuously refused to lose graciously like a good Frenchman should on the off chance that his surname would be mistaken for a Germanic one.

However, as the intensity grew, Mahut eventually capitulated and admitted that he was in fact French, losing the deciding fifth set 68-70.

“I am so proud of little Nicolas,” said unshaven, unemployed and unkempt French poet Katherine DuBuois, “he soldiered on and on and on and it really, really looked as if he wasn’t going to lose at some points. This is the closest we’ve ever come to winning a war, and he should be given a role befitting his new status when he returns.”

However, some highly placed French politicians are begining to become wary of the power that Mahut could now wield in the country after going 3 days without being beaten at anything.

“You see what we did with that Napoleon fellow,” said a shady French voice from the shadows, “packed him right off when he didn’t lose straight away. This Mahut fellow may have to share the same fate.”

John Isner was too tall for comment.

Fat Frank always follows this advice

With the World Cup group stages winding up for England, Brits everywhere were left with a sneaking suspicion that they had seen this story played out before once or twice in the past.

Already in this summer’s World Cup the French had surrendered and gone home early, Italy had defected to help out whoever scared them the most and the Americans turned up late and stolen all the glory. Now, though, England has once again been left holding the bag and has to fend off the Germans solo.

“You expect this kind of behaviour from the French and Italians,” said Call of Duty veteran Michael Warner, 17, “but you’d have thought that somebody would have stood up to the Germans so that we didn’t have to again!”

“I mean, Australia? Seriously? We always thought you had our backs. And Ghana and Serbia… shame on you. We thought you were hardcore.”

The Germans, though, are remaining optimistic that they can turn over their recent losing form against England and once again have a shred of dignity.

“Sure, two World Wars and one World Cup is an awful lot to lose to one silly little nation who consider Rovers to be good cars,” said noted German fetish monger Helmer Durdoff, “but I’m convinced that this time we will come out on top. We’re not scared of your Wayne Rooney, John Terry and Peter Crouch.”

England, though, buoyed from a poor win over a second rate footballing nation, were typically bullish when faced with battling the old enemy once again.

“We’re going to mess them right up. First we’ll kick them into submission on the ground, then we’ll air raid them with balls from James Milner’s magic right foot, then we’ll stick Rooney in their team bath to have a nibble at their nadgers,” said an overly optimistic England fan, who wished to remain anonymous on the grounds that it would be embarrassing to have his name attributed to such bravado when England lose 2-0.

FIFA, though, are urging calm between the two sides and hope to keep the fatalities under the million mark during the match up.

“Oh, and please leave the Jews out of it this time,” added Sepp Blatter.

Who is this 'Rob Green' fellow? I've never heard of him...

Despite starting their World Cup campaign with a disappointing 1-1 draw against the United States, English football fans are convinced that everything will be just fine and continue to be just fine so long as they keep their heads buried deep in mountains of sand.

Despite the fact that Fabio Capello insisted on playing players who were unfit, didn’t give some players the necessary time to mentally prepare for the game and played others out of position while better options sat on the bench, English football fans were still happy that everything will be just fine.

English football fans also moved to deny all knowledge of this Rob Green fellow, with anyone who was asked about him giving the same response that West Ham fans have been giving for years of “I don’t know who you are talking about.”

“It’s like, if we pretend that it didn’t happen, then it didn’t happen,” said England fan and noted badger whisperer Mark Davies.

“I mean, it could be really easy for us to get worried about the fact that Wayne Rooney was playing so deep to get the ball that when England attacked he was nowhere to be found, or the fact that Emile Heskey was allowed on the pitch, or the fact that we only have two decent defenders, or the decision to put SWP up the left instead of our most in form player Joe Cole, or the fact that Peter Crouch somehow didn’t start, or any number of other things. But I’ve got faith that everything will be just fine.”

“Who is this ‘Rob Green’ you’re talking about,” added Davies while shoveling out a hole in his front lawn, “I’ve never heard of him. Actually, I can’t remember who was in goal for that USA goal, wasn’t it just a great shot that whizzed into the net?”

“Oh come on, this is ridiculous,” said some guy called Robert Green very loudly who insists that he is actually an international calibre player, “I make one once-in-a-career mistake that will never, ever be repeated and all of a sudden everybody denies my existence! Even my wife pretends she isn’t married to me. I wouldn’t mind, but I think she has started dating again…”

At that point members of the media listening put their fingers in their ears and started singing the theme to The Banana Splits loudly.

Elsewhere, England coach Fabio Capello defended his bizare selection policies to anyone willing to listen.

“Drum, be boo dee doo, rum ba dada BORK BORK BORK!” started Capello before throwing two miscellaneous kitchen utensils over his shoulders, injuring Ledley King, “Doo shmee goo, frum la dada I know what I’m doing you silly people. Ya ga tee taa, brum dee doo daa Yes I do know what I’m doing, and just because The Sun has a different opinion it doesn’t  mean that they are right and I’m wrong.”

“Brum goo ga di da da, kickensy le footie ballsy tum and John Terry Is Still A Shit,” he added.

You can stop with all this exuberent Western living shit too

People in Britain have been told to learn Polish and darken their skin under new government legislation which will attempt to make the nation’s millions of immigrants more at home.

After being advised against hanging England flags outside homes, shops and pubs so as not to make immigrants uncomfortable, sort-of Prime Minister David Cameron announced that further measures would be passed to ensure better future integration.

“As we all know when we go on holiday to some far away exotic land like the Middle East, Caribbean or Cardiff, it can be a bit intimidating when the locals get swept up in a sudden bout of nationalism,” he said while applying face paint.

“Because of all of that, we now feel that it is prudent to continue the strong efforts of our boys in blue and Rob Green in toning down the excitement in the World Cup by carrying out these legislative changes to ensure all native British people darken up their skin a bit and learn how to speak Polish.”

Under other new guidelines put in place to help integration, British people will now be urged to start successful small family run businesses, be ordered to take care of their elderly rather than just dumping them in the cafe of a Tesco and be told to not be ashamed of accepting help from the State to get by, as that is a better alternative than defaulting on mortgages and causing global economic clusterfucks.

“We told you this would happen! We told you!” said one manic Daily Mail employee as they joined other staff in barricading themselves inside the newspaper’s head office, which has since been renamed The Bastion Of Britishness.

“We want the world to know that we are locking ourselves in this office along with some DVDs of Last Of The Summer Wine, the ashes of Tim Henman and a crate of warm larger until the whole of the UK becomes more English,” they added.

“We will not move ourselves until all of this multiculturalism ends and Britain returns to what it is at heart, a gin swilling fat cat country where an unproductive upper class take what they want from the poor hard workers.”

“The Daily Mail, huh? Oh well, at least nothing of value was lost” added David Cameron while driving 17 members of his family around in a Micra.

Dum dee dooty dooo, rum ba dum dum BORK BORK BORK!

With less than twenty four hours to go before the 2010 FIFA World Cup kicks off in South Africa, England manager Fabio Capello has revealed that he knows his starting XI for the first game against the USA and John Terry is still a shit.

Capello’s announcement that he knows his starting XI for England’s first game, and their toughest in the group stages, comes a day after he lost his temper with photographers for showing too much of an interest in the England treatment room and John Terry is still a shit.

Also making the headlines in South Africa is Joe Cole, who has said that he hopes that his performances in England’s warm up games will earn him a place in the starting line up and John Terry is still a shit.

Meanwhile, England Captain Steven Gerrard has warned star striker Wayne Rooney to keep his temper under wraps during the tournament as costly yellow cards for swearing at referees could well end up meaning the team are without their talisman during the crunch stages of the tournament due to suspension, and John Terry is still a shit.

“Oh come on, this is hardly fair,” said John Terry, who is still a shit, “at least I’m not Ashley Cole. I mean, who the hell would cheat on Cherly Cole!?”

“Booo dum dee dooo, rum baba BORK BORK BORK! Floo dee doo, trum gee gaga it’s time for the World Cup and to kicken ze bally,” said England manager Fabio Capello.

“Drum foo dee doo daa, tum bummy bum I guess he has a point, who the fuck would cheat on Cherly Cole?” he added.

The sign of moral superiority

The people of Britain have rejoiced as the final series of the allegedly popular Big Brother reality TV series has started, meaning they will finally have a chance to feel good about themselves.

According to a recent survey conducted by a midget in a straw hat, most Britons spend their entire lives in a perpetual state of self loathing as they worry about money, self image, their weight and the fact that somehow Katie ‘Jordan’ Price is more successful than them.

However, each summer a brief window of relief comes along as people can finally feel better about themselves and say “Well, at least I’m not so-and-so from Big Brother.”

“It’s totally wicked, it is,” said perpetually unemployed Beauty Therapist Laura Mackey, 21.

“Usually I feel well shit about myself as my entire life is just about getting enough money together to go out and get plastered on a Friday night. When Big Brother is on, though, I can sit there and say ‘Well at least I’m not a former stripper with only one leg who is addicted to bird seed like whats-her-face’,” she added.

“Normally, I don’t feel too smart,” added Civil Servant Greg Matthews, 42, while chewing on a rock, “but whenever Big Brother is on, at least I can feel morally superior to old whats-his-cock who who claims to be famous because he knobbed a footballer’s second cousin and gets into the nightclub where he has spent every night of his life for the last 12 years for free.”

“Each summer, we see a phenomenon when Big Brother starts” said noted Psychologist and white van man Brian Dawkins, “as finally your average, every day Brit realises that, really, their lot isn’t that bad. At least they aren’t a militant feminist who doesn’t shave anywhere and only uses vegetable oil to wash herself like old thingy-ma-tits, or a black, gay racist homophobe like salty-balls over there.”

However, with Big Brother set to end this summer, many are panicking about how they will get their annual self esteem boosts in the future.

“I’ve got a few ideas,” added Dawkins, “They mainly include an in depth documentary on Rik Waller and releasing a series of audio books where Jodie Marsh explains her view on the world.”

From now on, the menu is in English

The Government has announced sweeping new legislation today which will force all immigrants to the United Kingdom to ask for state benefits in English. The new laws replace the outgoing benefits system for immigrants which involved jumping out of the back of a truck in Dover and then heading to the nearest Job Centre with a large bucket.

“This is just ridiculous,” said Amir Shakir ‘Thomas’ Hazani through a translator as he bashed his head slowly against a brick wall, “I mean the English language is just ridiculous. Look at this word here – L I V E. The same spelling is pronounced different ways and has different meanings.”

“What the fuck is an adverb!?” he added.

Although people in rural England are welcoming the move, which will no doubt keep the hordes of nasties who are eager to sponge tax money that the Daily Mail keep telling us about at bay, others are not so pleased.

“You know, this is just, like, stupid, you know, like,” said long term Job Centre customer Martin Turner.

“I headed on down to that there place and like, you know, so I could do me thing and stuff, you get me? Just like I do on every Wednesday after the mid week day that I don’t do it. Then this proper brown big knob end says to me that I can’t have me pissing money until I learn to speak English and the like.”

When asked about the ramifications of the new system to the United Kingdom’s feral youth, Prime-ish Minister David Cameron said that “Everything has turned out even better than expected. Now, in the name of government cuts empty your wallet.”

A 7 year old bull elephant took a strong liking to Rooney

After their less than impressive 3-0 victory over the Platinum Stars, England have announced that they are to complain to FIFA over the elephant orgies which took place in the stands during the match.

Throughout the game, which saw Wayne Rooney, Jermaine Defoe and Joe Cole remember how to kick the ball into the net, loud screams of passion could be heard coming from the grand stands at the Moruleng Stadium at a frequency that could only be attributed to elephants.

“So there we were, right,” said Captain Steven Gerrard after the game, speaking from the joint Press Centre\Public Toilets, “having this nice little kick about on a Monday afternoon, when all of a sudden these elephants started going at it like the clappers. I could barely think for the noise.”

“What was quite worrying was when John Terry stripped off and hit the stands looking to join in,” he added.

Despite the distracting noise, South African officials were keen to point out that there was not in fact an elephant orgy going on in the stands during the game, but instead the sounds were caused by fans blowing on horns known as vuvuzelas.

“They are an important part of the atmosphere and culture in African football,” said Nibyi Qwembo, Chairman of the African Football Supporter’s Federation and noted bestiality expert.

Still, despite assurances from FIFA that the vuvuzelas were not harmful, England coach Fabio Capello was less than impressed.

“Blor, shcum dee doo, yum ba nana BORK BORK BORK! Humptiy schoo titty totty makes a lot of fucking noise,” said Capello after the game, clearly upset that his nation’s travelling band would have rivals in the noise department.

“Yum fee fooo, cor yagar tum fi Ashley Cole is still a little shit,” he added.